I'm not all that good at talking about my feelings. In fact, the only thing which I'm really any good at when it comes to my thoughts is writing about them. And even once the words have spilled onto the paper, I find the idea of other people actually reading those words kind of difficult to process. I like to internalise things because 1. I'm a pretty awkward person when it comes to discussing the things which matter, face to face, and 2. I'm stubborn enough to believe that keeping my problems to myself and not burdening anyone else with them is the best way to be.

Because of my love for leaving things unsaid, there are a lot of conversations floating around in my head which feel unfinished. There are things which I want to say to people where the moment has now passed, or I know I'll feel to afraid to say the next time the moment arrises. There are things that I want to make people sure of and apologies which I want to make, but a mixture of nerves and pride always stops me from saying them.

So, as usual when things get too much, I turn to my little blog as a refuge. I figure if I write these things that need to be said down and address people anonymously, at least I can get these thoughts off of my chest without any worries getting in the way.

To the person who I didn't stand up for,

I wasn't the person who I know I am or who I wanted to be when it came to looking out for you. I'm sorry that I didn't practise what I preach and that I didn't try to be the one person who went against the crowd to stand up for you. I let them treat you the way that they did and I laughed along with their jokes without thinking about how you'd feel. I let your misfortunes become something which would make me feel like more of a part of a group and I know that that hurt you. You told me 'I expect it from them, but I didn't expect it from you'. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to fight your corner with you.

To the person who I take for granted,

You're there for me through everything and I promise that internally, I am grateful. I'm just awful at expressing myself through words. I find it hard to say thank you and hard to admit when I'm wrong. I'm really awful at apologising and I prefer to just avert my eyes and pretend I'm oblivious, when really I should be offering you a shoulder to cry on like you do for me. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me, but I just don't know how to show it. I'm too awkward and uncomfortable and we've been this way for too long for me to change. But I am grateful and although I act cool and collected and like I'm unfazed by anything that you do, you really do mean the word to me.

To the person who changed me, 

It's strange that becoming close to another person can show you how to become more independent and how to appreciate yourself more, but that's exactly what you did for me. I feel like a changed person after knowing you. I understand how to appreciate who I am a little more and I know which of my interests to nurture. I know what matters and what doesn't and I understand that helping myself to grow is the most important thing that I can do. You taught me how to be the best version of me and I'll never be the weaker person I used to be because of that. Just knowing you has changed me in the best way possible and I am forever grateful.


  1. Powerful post. Really thought provoking. Great job.

    Faded Windmills

  2. A really powerful post. It's sometimes hard to speak what you really need to say which can be regretful, I totally understand where you are coming from.

    Steph x