TO THE FRIENDS I COULDN'T HOLD ON TO



I guess I should start by saying sorry. Although, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe you should be the one saying sorry. Or we should just start this conversation off with a mutual agreement that sorry won't play a part at all.

Let's circle all the way back to the start, where we began on our journey of friends slowly peeling away from me like orange skin from flesh. In most instances it has been just as easy as that peel. A couple of finger nails dug in to make the initial cracks, and then a quick and painless rip like a bandaid.

See I've always been one of those people who isn't good at clinging on. I'm also not great at mixing the different sections of my life together either. I like to keep the things that are meant to be separate exactly that way - my different facades never mixing. I can't say for sure, but these two factors combined feel like they could be the concoction which have led me into losing so many of you along the way.

I've been on an up and down journey for the last few years, but that journey has had many inclining slopes which I've had to encounter. Slipping down to the bottom only to begin my ascent again. Some of you were my nearest and dearest when I was at my peaks but decided to bow out when the first sign of a possible descent came into view. Honestly, I don't blame you for that. I wish I could have bowed right out too in those times.

Others stuck with me through each climb and fall, but started to become bitter when the falls were messy and distracted you from yourself. I'm sorry for the paths that I have chosen. I'm not sorry for distancing myself when you started to make them even more difficult for me to walk down.

I'm talking in too many metaphors now. I can feel myself slipping into my usual coping mechanism of trying to mask what I really mean behind possibly's and maybe's. But as much as I can talk about slopes and paths and roads and falls, it really just boils down to depressed, anxious and on cloudless days, happy, and those who only wanted to be around for the latter.

But really, this isn't a dig at those friends who I've lost along the way. It's a dig at myself more than anything. It's me trying to admit that maybe I need to let my guards down a little more and try to keep them down. Maybe I need to believe people when they say they want to help me and that they have my best interest at heart. Maybe I need to stop pushing people away because it feels easier to cope with the ups and downs when the only person I'm taking for a ride is myself.

There are so many things I regret, but losing some of you are of the biggest. Sometimes I find it hard to see through all of the bad things that have led me to pushing people away and stop romanticizing all of the good memories over and over again. I miss the idea of all of you. I miss an ideal scenario which never really existed.

I am aching to be able to stretch the good parts of myself so thin that I can please myself and everyone around me. I want to pause time and use that frozen time to make enough time for all of the people who I can never find the energy to offer time to. I want to stop having to say 'no, not today, I'm too tired and anxious and angry to leave the house' and be able to say 'yes! of course! let's make memories!'

My reality is often just that. Too tired. Too anxious. Too angry. Boiled down, that is the reason that so many of you have peeled away. It's a mixture of both of our faults. All of our faults. I know it's confusing that some days I need you and some days I just need me. And even more confusing when I don't know how to tell you which day will be coming up next. Which state of me will rear its head. It's hard to keep friends around when you're in a constant state of needing to push them away for your own sanity, but needing to keep them on call for that same reason.

But I'd like to finish this train of thought by thanking the people who have stuck around. This isn't to the detriment of those who I couldn't hold on to. There are no hard feelings between us. The time wasn't right and our heads were not in the same space at the same time. My head in particular was not. Maybe one day, we'll realign and we'll gravitate together once more.

But this is really for the people who have stayed. Who have rode the rollercoaster with me and then rode it again and again, in its dizzying spins, when my legs couldn't move to get off. For the people who have accepted me in all of my hill, slope and path metaphors, and all of the rest. For the friends who are holding on for dear life, though there are few of you left, and though at some points it may feel like even I want you to let go, you are the reason that I haven't slipped off of the edge yet.


4 comments :

  1. This is such an amazing post - I felt it, deep in my core. Growing up with mental health conditions meant more people were pushed away than necessary, but it really does make you think about those people who stood by you. You should never be sorry for having feelings, nor for trying to protect yourself/others. A heartbreakingly beautiful post, thank you for sharing!

    With love, Vee. x

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    1. Thank you Vee! I'm so glad (for want of a better word) that you could relate. Thanks for reading!x

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  2. You write so beautifully, this post really resonated with me on so many levels. I'm glad you have people who have stuck by you through it all, and just remember that mental health is a b*tch, but true friends will stay with you no matter what. Sending a big hug.
    Kate x
    http://www.findingkate.co

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    1. Thank you so much Kate! It's true - the best ones aren't going anyway. x

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