THE GAP BETWEEN WHERE I WANT TO BE AND WHERE I AM NOW


"I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me"

I've been thinking a lot this week about all of the things which I thought I'd be achieving in life by the time I reached my 20s and how many of those things I'm nowhere near achieving now that I'm here. It's strange that when you're a kid you look at young twenty-somethings and think they've completely got their lives together. You can't wait to get to that age and gain a bit of responsibility, have money and get to live out your dreams. Only, now I'm here at the ripe old age of 21, and I'm kind of envying 10 year old Lauren who spent her care free days with little worries and a bright vision of what her future would be like.

I'm not saying at all that I have a bad life. Actually quite the opposite of that - I have a job which pays me enough to get by and still afford to treat myself, I have food on the table and a roof over my head. Only, it's not my roof. And it's not the job which 10 year old Lauren was so excited to spend her life doing. So how on earth do I, a millennial with a head full of dreams but a reality which means nothing will ever be made easy for my generation, find the road which will take me from the spot I'm in now to the place where I ultimately want to be?

I've always wanted to be a writer. I want to write the sort of words which a person on the other side of the world will read and instantly feel like they were written for them. Like the ink on the page has seeped into their soul and helped them to feel a little more understood and a little less alone. I want to write words which will make a difference, and I want to have all the time in the world to do so. But time is limited when you're working a 9-5 job every day to earn money to save up for an extortionately priced flat in London and to keep a battered up car running.

The point I'm trying to make here is that it feels so unbelievably hard to turn your dreams into a reality because there's always another hurdle being thrown out right in front of you. Millennial have come to learn that we can't have it all. Want to buy your own house? Good luck with that when you've spent 3 years at uni only to come out with thousands of pounds worth of debt and you're still unable to find a job in your field which pays higher than intern rates (which, more often than not, is £0 per year). Want to get a job in your field? Should be super easy, even when everybody wants someone with experience but nobody is willing to offer you the experience. Trying to reach up and grab those dreams is unbelievably difficult when nobody wants to offer you a hand in doing so.

So where do I go from here? I want to write. It's what I want more than anything in the world. I want to write as my job, I want to write in my free time, I want to write while I travel and I want to be able to live off of my writing. At the moment, all of that seems too far away for me to even comprehend as a possibility. The idea of making money off of the thing in life that I find most enjoyable? Surely that's just an unreachable goal. But why does it have to be? Why shouldn't I make it from where I am now to the finish line, hurdles and all? I've crossed enough hurdles so far in my life to know that with determination and courage, even the tallest ones can be jumped over.

I can't promise myself that I'm not going to worry about the future and that I'm not going to feel terrified at the idea that I'm nowhere near reaching the place that I want to be in my life. Maybe 10 years down the line I'll be sitting in my own house, with a family, kids, a car which isn't falling apart on the driveway, a dog at my feet and a shelf in my bedroom packed with books which I've written, looking back at this blog post and smiling. Because I know I'm going to make it. It's not an option for me not to. Maybe right now all of that seems unreachable. But I'm going to try as hard as I can to enjoy the race and not to let the hurdles get me down.

10 comments :

  1. I feel this post so much. It's overwhelming to think about how everything is going to work out. Sometimes I feel like I can handle the challenge, that it being that much harder is more of a drive for me to continue. Sometimes I just feel like I'm running but going nowhere. But, even when I'm up late at night thinking about the life I wish I was leading and how if I don't go to sleep now I'll be so tired at the desk tomorrow I never think it's never going to happen.

    All the best, Lauren.
    Hannah
    hannahisabellewis.com

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    1. I couldn't agree more Hannah! But I like your way of looking at it. I know that we'll both get there. xx

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  2. "I want to write the sort of words which a person on the other side of the world will read and instantly feel like they were written for them."

    Maybe only a few hours across the country, but I couldn't agree with this more. I feel so stuck and frustrated at the moment and, whilst my life isn't bad in the slightest, I'm also definitely not where I want to be.

    It could be that it's now a generational thing, and maybe these days it takes longer. Or more likely everyone feels like this a lot of the time, no matter what they've achieved or where they are in life.

    Either way, it's be really great not to feel like it, for a little bit at least x

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    1. Thank you for reading Fern! I definitely agree that it's probably generational. It's so easy for us to compare ourselves to other people on social media that it can never feel like you're doing your best. I hope you get everything you want to out of life!x

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  3. You took the words right out of my mouth.Thank you for reminding me we're all in the same boat and that if you want it bad enough it should work out in the end x

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    1. Glad it helped Jessica. It will work out!x

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  4. I completely relate Lauren. I turn 25 next Sunday and am freaking out about all of this stuff - not being where I want to be or where I thought I'd be. It's terrifying and frustrating but I've just got to not let everything turn to fear, and instead use it as inspiration and motivation. x

    Erin | beingerin.com

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    1. Using it as motivation definitely sounds like the best idea!x

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  5. I loved this post beyond words, I found it ridiculously comforting! Thank you for sharing :) x
    www.elliswoolley.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you Ellis - I'm glad it could help!x

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